Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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