Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
