hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
