my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
