There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
