Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
