I hope mine doesn't look like that
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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