it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize