that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
