Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She bit a glass in half.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
