Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
