Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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