new low.... made out with someone while peeing
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
