Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
