Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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