Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
