Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
