Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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