My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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