Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
