he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
