4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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