You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
