I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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