Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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