Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
