I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
someone threw a dead crab at me
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you would pick up someone in the library
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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