he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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