how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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