broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize