I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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