You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
