Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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