Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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