You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
