I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
