remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
