My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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