I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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