if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
