just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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