i think my tv is drunk
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Couch. On fire.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize