Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize