my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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