My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
