I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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