I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
