You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
