I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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