Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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