Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
