does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Your cock deserves a montage
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
