I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
