in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
