Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
