maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
