My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Actions speak louder than pants.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
