...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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