Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
