I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
